


One Step At A Time

by SkyHighWriting



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Grief, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, The Angst No One Asked For, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 19:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12613296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyHighWriting/pseuds/SkyHighWriting
Summary: It was his fault, wasn't it? The question echoed inside Patton's mind like a record on repeat. It was always his fault.





	One Step At A Time

It had been two days since Logan had stormed out and Patton couldn’t take it much longer. 

The group of them had all been at Patton’s apartment, arguing over how best to tackle Thomas' feelings about his ex. Patton had just been trying to help and had pulled up a bunch of old photo albums Thomas had stashed at his place on night. Thomas had claimed his apartment was too cramped and he couldn’t bear to part with them. Patton was the only person he trusted enough to keep something so personal and Patton took them into his custody without a moment of thought.

That lack of thought was what got him in this mess. They’d been pouring over the photos while Logan tried to explain his point and desperately attempted to get them away from the past. He probably could have done it if Patton hadn’t spoken. 

“Logan, can you stop? Please?”

Patton had nearly begged this and he had watched as Logan stepped back, an expression of shock and hurt smacking across his face. That had quickly faded and morphed into rage. With a few final words Logan had stormed out, slamming the door behind him. 

Patton hadn’t said anything, and the only noise was Virgil’s mumbling until Roman started talking about the albums again. It was then that Patton snapped. Virgil had seen the look in his eyes and had simply walked out the door without a word. “Go.” 

Thomas looked up, clearly confused, but the blank slate that was now Patton’s expression shocked him enough to stand. Roman soon followed, though he quickly began to fire questions. “Go.” Patton repeated, this time unable to suppress the tremor in his voice. They left without another word of protest.

Now here he was, sitting on the cold floor of his kitchen, trying desperately to block out the raging thoughts in his head. Thomas’ pain was his fault. He was the one who introduced Thomas to his past boyfriend, he was the one to push him to go after him, and that meant it was his fault that Thomas was now in pain. Someone he had trusted, respected, and cared about had taken Thomas’ heart and shattered it to pieces. He covered his head with his hands, tucking himself into a ball. It was all his fault.

Thomas' ex was a childhood friend of his. He'd trusted him with Thomas' heart and let his own mind be eased with the comfort that they would work out. Although only two years younger, Thomas was like a little brother to him and Patton felt horrible that he was now in pain. 

He was angry; angry at himself for trusting that person but more so angry for letting himself be fooled. He should have seen it coming but how could he? How could he have known the future? All he knew was the past and he’d tried to use that to comfort Thomas but to no avail. Roman had taken hold of it and entranced Thomas in a world of manic beauty that no longer existed. Patton had fed that mania and now it was his fault that everyone was in disarray. Virgil had a panic attack and Patton hadn’t noticed till after, which he mentally slapped himself for. 

Hell, he was practically bludgeoning himself at this point. He deserved it, after all the trouble he’d caused. Now Logan was probably furious and would most likely never want to speak to Patton again. Virgil was dealing with the anxiety that Patton and his stupidity had caused and would no longer trust him, and Thomas…. Thomas was better off without him. They all were. 

Patton let out a sob, not bothering to stifle it. Who was here to even hear it? He rocked back and forth, smacking his back into the cabinet behind him with a dull thud. His mind was a blur of thoughts and his chest ached from the emotions he was currently drowning in. Guilt, anger, and sorrow ruled over them all, with confusion and despair their henchmen. He screwed his eyes shut and began to cry again, letting the fresh tears renew the old tracks that had cut their way across his face. They dripped down his chin, each droplet containing more sorrow and grief then the last.

It was a knock on the door that stopped him.

At first, he hadn’t heard it, too engulfed in his own sobbing to even hear the sound. It was the second set of knocks, crisp and clear, that cut through his haze of tears. He didn’t call out, not trusting his own voice to not betray his current state, and instead sat in silence. “Patton?” 

Oh no. Oh no no no please no.

It was Logan. 

Patton knew that voice anywhere. It rang in his head when he knew he wasn’t doing something right and haunted him in his dreams. He loved that voice but right know he desperately wished it was anyone else’s. “Patton?” Logan sounded worried and Patton desperately wanted to open the door but couldn’t. Instead he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, wove his fingers into the knotted mess of his hair, and hoped with all his being Logan couldn’t hear him choking on his sobs.

It was quiet for a while until there was a click and the door creaked open. Patton cursed quietly. He forgot Logan had a key. There was no hiding now. “Patton? Are you home?” Logan called out and Patton stood slowly. He could now feel the ache in his legs from being curled up for so long and forced himself to ignore it. Instead he turned, took a deep breathe, and walked around the corner. “Logan?” He asked, and he couldn’t believe how hoarse his voice sounded.

Logan was looking around the room in mild horror and Patton realized what a mess it was. DVD cases were strewn across the floor, a chair was flipped over, and several large shards of ceramic were lying next to the wall. Patton vaguely remembered throwing plates at some point, but his anger had clouded his memory. He could feel Logan’s gaze shift to him and he resisted the urge to squirm. “Did you do all this?” Logan sounded like he couldn’t believe it and Patton nearly smiled.

“Yeah. I don’t remember it though.” He admitted. He figured it was best to come clean. Logan took a tentative step forward and the caution he seemed to have tore another rip into Patton’s heart. There was a long moment of silence before Patton broke it. “Why are you here?” He asked. Logan sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck with one hand. “I came to apologize.” He confessed. Patton no longer felt his heartbeat. 

He looked up, scanning Logan’s face for any sign that he wasn’t being sincere and, finding none, chose to ask the one question his mind had been screaming for two days straight: “Why?”. Logan frowned and his brows furrowed. “I was in the wrong. I know you were only trying to help and I should have given that space. I let my own concerns over rule me. I should have given you the time necessary to help work with Thomas, rather than push my ideals.” He explained. It was so mater-of-fact that Patton nearly cringed.  
Logan seemed to sense his discomfort and trailed off, nervously playing with his fingers. 

Patton continue to stare at him and only came back to his senses when Logan cleared his throat. The words poured out before he could stop them. “I snapped at you. I lost my temper and you’ve come back here to apologize? I should be apologizing!” Anger began to burn in his stomach and he was losing sight of the purpose of this conversation. Logan’s eyes widened, and he moved to step forward, but Patton stumbled back. “Don’t you see?! It’s all my fault!” He shouted. He tangled his hands back into his hair and began to pace. “I introduced Thomas to him! I encouraged them to go for it and look what’s happened!” His tone was frantic, and his pitch increased as the thoughts that had been raging a war inside his head came flooding out.

“If it wasn’t for me, for my stupidity, for my idiocy, Thomas wouldn’t be hurting! I wouldn’t be hurting!” He shrieked, and now came the tears. They rolled down his cheeks like a torrential downpour and he knew there would be no stopping them anytime soon. Logan stood in stunned silence, fingers frozen in mid-movement, mouth slightly agape and eyes blown wide. No one had ever seen Patton like this before and Logan found he couldn’t fathom it. If he wasn’t seeing it with his own eyes he would have never believed it.  
Patton stopped pacing, instead tugging at his hair with shaking hands and nearly keeling over. 

“It’s all my fault! If I had just… if only I… I couldn’t… Oh God…” With that he dissolved into sobs, hands falling from his hair to cover his face. In an instant he felt arms, strong and toned, wrap around him and pull him into the tightest embrace he’d ever been in. “Breathe.” Logan mumbled, holding him close against his chest. He could feel Patton shaking in his grasp, could feel his tears through the thin fabric of his shirt, and could hear the grief and anger in each sob he released. It broke Logan’s heart but only strengthened his resolve. This time he was going to be the one to fix things. 

It took a while, by Logan’s calculations close to an hour, for Patton to finally begin to quiet. It happened slowly, sobs to gasps, gasps to hiccups, and eventually hiccups to whimpers. His shaking, however, did not subside and when Logan slowly pulled back to look at him his shaking only increased. Patton’s hair was knotted from his consistent tugging, his eyes were bloodshot and the bags underneath them resembled Virgil’s. 

“Patton, it wasn’t your fault.” He whispered, and Patton shook his head. “Logan, I introduced them. I started this.” He insisted. Logan frowned, moving a hand from Patton’s back to cup his cheek. “You introduced them because at the time they would work, and you knew that. None of us could have predicted the future, especially not you. However, you were there for Thomas through everything and were his constant support. Even though you introduced them, you made the eventual end as easy on Thomas as possible, or at least attempted to.” Patton was looking at him with wide eyes that were so full of desperation and confusion that Logan had to look away to continue. 

“Just because it ended didn’t make it a horrible thing. That’s why you brought out the albums right?” Patton nodded, glancing over at the coffee table. Thick leather albums were scattered across it and were the only thing in the mess of his apartment that remained untouched. He couldn’t bring himself, even in his anger, to ruin something Thomas cared so deeply about. “Right.” He echoed, and his voice sounded slightly less hollow. Logan took that as a sign to continue. “You wanted to focus on the good, which was excellent. The only mistake was focusing solely on the past.” He said gently.

He moved his thumb along Patton’s cheek, feeling the slight stick of old tears and the clamminess of Patton’s skin. “We need to remember that the future is where the good lies as well, not just- ““That was your point.” Patton cut in. “You wanted us to see that but we… I didn’t listen.” Logan smiled kindly, moving his forehead to rest against Patton’s. “You were doing what you thought was right, as was I. Sometimes, and this pains me to admit so I will only say it once, we can both be stubborn.” Patton glanced up with a faint smile on his lips and a small flicker of himself in his eyes. “What was that Logan?” He asked, and Logan shook his head. “I said I would only say it once.” He replied but his smile gave Patton all he needed to know.

“Are you feeling any better now?” Logan asked softly. Patton had to think that over and did so for several minutes. Logan was about to repeat the question when Patton spoke. “I think so. I just have one question.” Logan nodded, moving his hands to Patton’s shoulders. “Anything.” “Are you angry with me?” The question hit Logan like a punch to the gut and he nearly felt the urge to cry. “No,” he said as he pulled Patton into a fierce hug, “I am most certainly not angry with you.” Patton hugged him even tighter, forcing down tears with all the strength he could muster. “Do you promise?” 

Logan nodded before pressing a kiss to the top of Patton’s head. “I promise Patton. I promise.” Now that Patton’s emotional state was stable for now, Logan allowed his attention to settle on their surroundings. The disarray of the place had stunned him into silence upon his arrival but now he noticed more details. He saw the scattered pencils, cases, and blankets that covered the floor, noted more ceramic shards collecting dust by the baseboards, and finally he saw the hole that had been punched into the wall beside the bookcase. “Patton did you punch the wall?” He asked, and it was then Patton felt the dull throbbing of his knuckles.

He pulled back from the hug and held his hands up in front of his face. The knuckles were turning a light purple and were peppered with cuts. His fingers were caked in dry blood and he looked at them in silent amazement. Had he really done all that to his hands? Logan took his hands in his own, cold delicate fingers dancing over Patton’s as he carefully examined them. If his hands were this bad, Patton thought, how bad did the rest of him look? He felt a gentle tug and realized Logan was attempting to lead him down the hall. Patton could hardly move, his mind still stuck on the state of his hands. Logan sighed and swiftly lifted him up bridal style. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He said. Patton simply nodded. 

Logan carried him to the bathroom and sat him down on the counter. He ran the water for a bath and while the tub filled focused on cleaning up the cuts on Patton’s hands. Once the dried blood was wiped off, he helped Patton undress and into the tub. Patton followed along like a child, amazed and slightly embarrassed at the attention he was receiving. He had no idea Logan could be this gentle and he decided it would be best to simply experience it then think about it. So, when Logan began to wash his hair Patton couldn’t help but close his eyes and tilt his head to press into Logan’s fingers. “Is that okay?” Logan asked, and Patton made a hum of confirmation. He couldn’t recall the last time he felt this calm. 

Logan smiled, leaning forward to press a kiss to Patton’s cheek. It was soft and warm and exactly what Patton needed. Once he was clean and dry, Logan helped him into boxers and a hoodie while ignoring Patton’s attempts to dress himself. When Patton began to protest Logan pressed a finger to his lips. “Let me take care of you as you do for me.” He soothed and that alone was enough to stop Patton’s protests. All he felt was a swell in his heart that had been non-existent for the past two days and he was more than relieved to feel it again. He was close to tears when Logan pulled him into another hug and this time couldn’t stop it. He cried but this time out of joy, and when Logan asked what was wrong he couldn’t help but laugh. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” He managed to say through his mix of tears and laughter.

Logan just hugged him tighter. Once Patton managed to calm down, Logan sat him down on the bed before running off to the kitchen. He returned with a bowl of cereal and the first aid kit Patton kept in the cabinet above the sink. He let Patton eat before applying ointment and bandaging his injured fingers. When that was done, he sat back on his knees and rested his head against Patton’s knee. Patton ran his bandaged fingers through Logan’s hair and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.” He sighed, eyes still closed. “I’m sorry too.” Logan mumbled. 

Patton gently raised Logan’s head and patted the space next to him. “Care to take a nap with me?” He asked quietly and was surprised when Logan nearly jumped up. “I’d be honored to.” He said as he removed his shirt and pants. Patton watched him with silent amazement and giggled when Logan swept him up into bed. “I haven’t been able to sleep since that night.” Logan admitted sheepishly. Patton nodded, worming into Logan’s embrace. “Me either. Not like I tried.” He said with a shrug. Logan pressed another kiss to his forehead and tightened his embrace. “I do love you Patton. No matter what we face. I know my temper can be… illogical but I will always try to work through it.” Logan mumbled. Patton looked up with wide eyes. “Mr. Logan, are you admitting to having an… illogical side?” Patton said with an exaggerated gasp. 

Logan rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance but his smile betrayed him. “Don’t push it Pat.” He teased, leaning down to press a light kiss to Patton’s nose. Patton smiled, a genuine radiant smile that melted Logan’s heart before ducking back down to press against Logan’s chest. “I love you too Logan.” He mumbled and like that they stayed. 

It took time.  
Over the next several months Thomas healed and, with the help of Patton, even met someone new. Roman worked on his anxiety with Virgil and together they grew closer, and Patton… Patton slowly learnt that he didn’t have to hide anymore. With the groups help he learned that not all negative emotions were bad, some were even healthy to express from time to time. Most importantly they took it slow. One step after the other.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Yes this is a human AU. I wanted to write some Patton angst involving the latest video but didn't know how to so this emerged. I hope you all enjoyed!


End file.
